A Child For Us

Adoption 101

This is just a few things I compiled a few months ago to educate those who may be unfamiliar with the adoption process…

What exactly is domestic infant adoption?

This is the adoption of a newborn or very young child whose birthparent has made a difficult decision that she is unable to parent at that point. These parents love and wish that they could parent their children but feel that adoptive placement is the best decision for their children. The parents relinquish their rights voluntarily. The majority of birthparents who take part in domestic infant adoptions select and meet the prospective adoptive parents and want some level of openness in their adoption, which refers to the level of contact after the placement. However, it is the birthparents right to limit contact as well.

And don’t worry, just because there is openness does not increase the chance of the birthparent kidnapping the child after placement.

Understanding Loss in Adoption

Adoption is only made possible through loss; birthparents, adopted children and adoptive families often experience grief when adoption happens. To the average person, the adoption of a child is something to be celebrated. However, issues that arise during and after the adoption process can bring up feelings of guilt, shame, sadness and isolation for birthmothers, adopted kids and their adoptive parents.

Losses an Adopted Child Experience

The loss that has the biggest impact on an adopted child’s life is that he is not being raised by the mother who gave birth to him. Even adopted infants show signs of grief during their adjustment to their adoptive families. Regardless of the reasons for a child’s relinquishment, it is completely natural for an adoptee of any age to grieve the loss of his birthmother and his life before adoption.

Losses Experienced by Birth families

The most obvious loss for a birthmother is that she is no longer the legal parent of a child she gave birth to. With that loss, women may experience isolation from friends and family, often leading to depression.

Like adopted children, birthmothers lack a concrete focus for their grief because their child is alive and there is the possibility of a reunion someday. By not having a focus for their intense feelings, birthmothers may have unresolved grief, which affects future relationships.

Birthfathers and extended birth family also experience loss in adoption. Friends and family of those affected often underestimate the emotional turmoil of losing a biological child or grandchild to adoption.

Losses Experienced by Adoptive Parents

Although the adding of a long hoped for child to the family is a reason to celebrate, it can also bring up some feelings of grief. Adoptive parents may be grieving the loss of a child who is not genetically tied to them and in some cases the loss of the ideal child they were hoping to adopt.

5 Losses with Infertility

• Loss of control
• Loss of individual genetic continuity
• Loss of a jointly conceived child
• Loss of the physical experience of a pregnancy
• Loss of the joint emotional experience of conceiving, shared pregnancy, birth experiences, etc.

What makes Adoptive Parenthood Different From Biological Parenthood?

• Complete assessment and approval by agency
• Need to explain how the child came to be our child
• Need to explain to child his/her biological background
• Need to explain why birthparents made an adoption plan
• May need to help the child’s feelings of rejection
• Accept communication with and from birthparents during placement and into future
• Understand the subject of “searching” and “a right to know”

Positive Adoption Language

Unless it is necessary to indicate that the parents have adopted a child, it is politically correct to refer to the people raising the child as the parents and to not refer to them as adoptive parents. In addition, reference to a child’s adoption by labeling him the adopted child in any situation is NOT appropriate unless it is relevant to an issue being discussed.

Negative Terms / Preferred Terms:

Gave up her child for adoption / Placed her child for adoption

Real parent; natural parent / Birth parent, biological parent

Adoptive parent / Parent

His adopted child / His child

Illegitimate / Born to unmarried parents

To keep / To parent

Unwanted child / Child placed for adoption

Is adopted / Was adopted

Failed Adoption

A sad reality of adoption is that we may experience a failed adoption. In our case, a failed adoption can happen when the placing mother chooses to parent her baby.

Failed adoptions can be devastating. Even though we have no legal right to parent the child, the child has grown in our hearts. A failed adoption is a very real loss that needs to be grieved.

Helping the Baby Adjust

There is a small chance that a baby will come home directly from the hospital. Most babies spend some time in interim care (foster families that only work with Bethany Christian Services) while waiting for birth parents to relinquish. This could last just a few days or extend to several months.

Many babies feel the trauma of adjustment: new people, new surroundings, smells, unfamiliar food, and a foreign bed. Here are a few ways to help form a loving bond:

1. Many adoptive parents choose to “wear” the baby often to familiarize him/her with their scents and to promote contact.
2. They are the primary ones to feed him/her, as this is an important bonding time.
3. They are the baby’s primary provider of care, meeting all needs themselves, to build trust.
4. Because the baby may have experienced a different caregiver and environment after birth, they are also advised to use moderation in having visitors and company during baby’s early adjustment to their home.

Remember us?!

Has it been that long already. Apparently it’s been 91 days since my last post. Oops. And since it’s National Adoption Month I thought I’d give the official update on our adoption journey. Truth be told, it’s a whole lot of nothing. Just waiting. We are looking at about a year wait (from last August) give or take. Crossing fingers for something sooner… maybe in the spring :)

I will say this. The path to adoption is exciting, nerve-racking, and sometimes downright painful. Back in August, after just two weeks of waiting, I received a voicemail from Bethany about a baby. I called Dave to meet with him so that we could call our social worker together and get the scoop. We weren’t necessarily chosen at this point but asked if we were willing to show our profile to a mother in Georgia. She was due September 14th… with a baby boy. It was surreal. Any thoughts about money (or the vacation we had planned on September 16th) just sort of vanished. It only takes a second to claim a child as your own. Actually, not even that. However, upon more information about the birth family a few red flags presented themselves. Things that Dave and I felt very unsure about and in the short amount of time we had to react we had to decline. Seriously, the most gut-wrenching decision we’ve had to make yet. Thankfully, our Pastor was in the office at the time and talked with us and prayed for us about the decision we had to make. Eventually, I called our social worker in tears and declined. It hurt. A lot. But over time God gave us a sense of peace… we weren’t meant to be parents just yet. And from what we hear, we’ll know when the time is right. 

All this hasn’t stopped me from trying to enjoy my “pregnancy” (my adoptive mom friends are still trying to convince me I’m “pregnant”… it still sounds weird to me ;) I’ve bought a few things here and there. I’ve painted the nursery and the nursery bedding has arrived (OMG I LOVE IT!) I’ve even taken up embroidering as a new hobby and have made a few things for our little munchkin :) Still working on the premise of: If you build it, they will come! 

So that is the update in our journey so far. One that started back in January of 2008. Wow, that’s three years of waiting under our belts already… my how time flies!

Adoption Update:

We’ve had several people ask us exactly what is going on with our adoption, and to be quite honest, not much. We finished up our home study on May 28th (which went very smooth). The following day we left for a mini-vacation and then I enjoyed a couple of weeks of freedom from deadlines… adoption deadlines. I didn’t touch, read, or write anything related to our adoption. I know we needed the break. So now I’m trying to design our family profile. The designing part is going pretty smooth… it’s the writing I hate doing. I’m so out of practice. I need a copywriter ASAP ;) I don’t know what it is… but I just don’t feel this urgent need to have it done yesterday. Which I guess is OK for now. Our social worker just started writing our assessment last week. So can I give a date as to when we will be officially “waiting”… no. But I would guess sometime in July. Then we’ll have a tentative 12-16 month wait ahead of us. Sounds long I guess but we aren’t stressing it right now. However, we’ve been told that once you reach the one year mark… it’s just torture from then on out. Lovely. I have to remind myself that God’s timing is perfect. Not late… not early… but perfect. 

So what does one do during this wait? Well so far we have kept busy with our house. We had some long overdue repairs finally taken care of and I have to thank several people for that: Mom & Dad for giving us a lawn makeover, Jimmy Sawyer for being our handyman and repairing a list of things for us, Howard for installing our new outdoor lights and Dave for surviving my clean house boot camp. I’ve also been secretly scouring the internet and stores for baby stuff. Trying not to go overboard (like I want to) but just getting little things here and there. Things that mean something to me. I think so far I have 3 stuffed animals (2 from grandma Daniels) and 3 books. Not bad, huh? I have the bedding all picked out (I found it on etsy and we LOVE it) and matched some paint to it as well. Bought a nice upholstered rocker on Craigslist last week (thanks Christa for going on that adventure with me ;) And I have a crib and changing table ready for pick-up from my sister’s in-laws. Unfortunately though, I haven’t had the nerve to tackle it all just yet. First of all, it seems a little too premature. And secondly, I know I wouldn’t be able to peel myself out of there. I’ll be sure to post pictures when it eventually gets done. It’ll be pretty darn cute! But don’t expect any pinks and blues ;) 

So we may be quiet for a little while on this here blog. Until I can sort out some things I’ve learned along the way.

Our neighbor massacred our flowers…

True story. They really did just that… they mowed right over them before they even had a chance to bloom. Now, there are only stubs where long green leaves once stood. Looking back, that should have been my first clue that yesterday was going to be a “memorable” one. 

I have felt pretty good about about our decision to adopt. Since the moment we made our decision final it’s been pretty exciting. But yesterday brought back old feelings… feelings of bitterness, doubt and frustration. Feelings I thought had long been gone… they were terrible friends… and like such friends they caught me in my weakness. 

We’ve had some pretty crazy things happen lately. Mostly to do with our medical release forms. From the mixing of records, insufficient information, do-overs, false-positives, hospital visits, you name it… it happened. Yesterday I was so close to having my form completed I could taste it. After two months of waiting, I made it my first priority to accomplish and it went something like this: 

• I Call PCP to schedule appt to sign off on my drug screen results.
• Receptionist tells me this can’t be done. Nurse will confirm this with doctor and call me back.
• Nurse calls back and I must have the lab fax over info to their office… they can’t go off of my personal copy. Fair enough.
• I call the lab listed on my results sheet… they tell me to call the office where I had the test done.
• I find the office number on some paperwork. It is no longer a working number. WHA?! To may amazement, I am able to cry AND laugh at the same. This is just too absurd to be real!
• I look them up on Google. Call and get through… they can’t fax that info either. At this point I am crying into the phone. Pleading for someone to help me. And guess what?! Nobody does.
• I then call our social worker… embarrassed that I’m crying and scared that I sound unstable… and try to tell her that I have a form that nobody will sign… will the original document suffice. 
• Luckily it will.

This was the first time (this year) I felt bitter about all this. Bitter that I even have to deal with this mess to begin with. Frustrated at feeling helpless and out of control. I felt like those darn flowers. Totally disregarded and mowed over.

So yesterday sucked. It really did. But when we went to our (surprise) meeting last night and two families came to talk to us with their gorgeous babies in tow… all the feelings that crept in earlier in the day just sort of melted. I realized that nothing could stand in the way of what God has in store for us and I would endure it all again if I had too. It is just that worth it.

Our meeting ended at about 9pm. I thanked Dave for sacrificing his plans on his only free night in months for his “family” and he responded back with, “they’re so worth it.”

And, quite honestly, he’s never been so right… :)

Great News for Adoptive Parents!

One of the biggest reasons people decide not to adopt is for financial reasons. There is all this talk about how expensive it can be and while international adoptions can break the bank there are certainly more affordable options. Ours is about the cost of a car… and we’re not talking luxury. Not to mention the Adoption Tax Credit that has been in effect for a few years now giving families a tax credit of $12,170 till the end of 2010. There was no guarantee of its extension meaning we might not benefit from the credit. However, I just received this E-mail from our agency:

Within the large and newsworthy health care bill signed into law yesterday by Pres. Obama, I’m happy to share to share positive news on the Federal Adoption Tax Credit. Our friends at the Christian Alliance for Orphans have provided some excellent analysis and link to the bill itself on their blog site at:http://chrisitianallianceblog.org/?p=563 

Here are four talking points below that I only modified slightly from their blog. The last bullet point is the biggest change as it allows adoptive families to receive their full tax credit in the first year after their adoption. We will be pitching some local media outlets in some of your branch areas about this news to see if they have interest in a story about this and will let you if they have some interest which could give Bethany a lot of visibility as the adoption expert. If you have any interest in reaching out to any local media directly, please work with John Van Valkenburg to make sure we’re not duplicating any efforts. 

• The current adoption tax credit has been extended until the end of 2011;
• The value of the adoption tax credit has been increased by $1,000 from $12,170 to $13,170.
• The increase is “retroactive,” meaning that any adoption occurring after January 1, 2010 is eligible for this higher credit.
• The credit is now refundable. This means that even families that owe zero taxes can receive the full tax credit in the form of a tax refund to help with their adoption-related expenses in the first year.

Endometriosis Awareness Month

I have suffered for years with Endometriosis and am currently trying to find the right treatment for this incurable disease. It brings about frustration, heartache, pain… but there is support out there for women! If you have irregular, painful periods… if you have ever had to miss an event (i.e. work, school… or just your daily routine) due to menstrual pain then please read this article:

Backed by Congressional legislation, the Endometriosis Research Center is again celebrating March as “Endometriosis Awareness Month” in honor of all those affected by the disease.

Endometriosis is a painful reproductive and immunological disease in which tissue similar to the uterine lining (endometrium) migrates outside the womb and implants in other areas of the body. The disorder, for which there is no absolute cure, affects over 5.5 million women and girls in the U.S. alone and more than 70 million globally.  Often stigmatized as simply “killer cramps,” symptoms include painful periods, pelvic pain at any point in a woman or girl’s cycle, infertility, pain with sexual activity, gastrointestinal and urinary tract difficulties and much more. The disease can even implant in areas like lungs, diaphragm, and in some cases, even the brain.

Moreover, research has shown an elevated risk of certain cancers and autoimmune disorders in those with Endometriosis, as well as malignant changes within the disease itself.  Researchers remain unsure as to the definitive cause of Endometriosis, which can only be diagnosed through surgery, though studies indicate that genetics, immune dysfunction and exposure to environmental toxicants may be contributing factors.  The economic impact of Endometriosis is staggering: American businesses lose billions of dollars each year in lost productivity and work time because of the disease.

The ERC maintains that Endometriosis is more than just painful periods.  “We continue to find that the disease remains misdiagnosed, misunderstood and ineffectively treated, despite being one of the most prevalent causes of hysterectomy, infertility and pelvic pain in women and girls around the globe,” said Michelle E. Marvel, ERC Founder & Executive Director.  “Despite hallmark symptoms, the average delay in diagnosis remains an astounding 9 years, and a patient will seek the counsel of 5 or more physicians before her pain is adequately addressed,” she added.  Endometriosis can affect women from all walks of life ranging from adolescence to post-menopause, and be so painful as to render a woman or girl unable to go about her normal routine.  “It is not unusual for a patient to undergo repeated surgeries and embark on different medical therapies; many carrying significantly negative side effects and none offering long-term relief,” noted Marvel.

A growing number of younger women are also being diagnosed annually, with studies indicating that as many as 70% of teenagers with chronic pelvic pain ultimately have Endometriosis proven by surgery.  Studies have also shown that Endometriosis may have an even bigger impact on younger patients: in those under 22 years of age, the rate of recurrence was double that of older women (35% versus 19%).  Studies have also revealed that the disease behaves differently in younger women, leading researchers to believe it may be a different form of Endometriosis altogether.  “It is imperative that society begins to recognize the far-reaching impact this illness continues to have on patients of all ages, not just those trying to conceive, in order to ensure that our daughters do not continue to suffer as we have,” noted Heather Guidone, an ERC Executive Board Member and the Program Director of the Center for Endometriosis Care.

http://www.endocenter.org/

First Interview…

On the one hand, our interview was pretty short and sweet, on the other hand, it was quite a lot of information to take in. I have to be honest, I felt a little nervous going in but our social worker is so sweet I felt at ease as soon as I saw her. And for anyone wondering, the first interview is pretty easy. Nothing to worry about at all. It’s the second one, the individual one, that asks a ton of questions. To ease us into the process they only asked two questions today: 1) Explain our jobs… likes and dislikes and 2) What led us to our decision to adopt? Pretty simple.

Next, we signed some paper work:

• Statement of Understanding - Changes in Family Status (meaning we must inform the agency of any changes, such as, family composition, marital status, employment status or health)
• Adoption Release and Consent Form (accepting risks involved in adoption outside of Bethany’s control)
• Adoption Services Contract (services and payment schedule)

Then, we received the following packets:

• Background Investigation Packet (includes fingerprinting instructions to be done at a police precinct; $50 ea for processing; $10 ea for fingerprinting; money orders or cashier’s checks only)
• Child Protective Services Forms (Child Protective Services Central Registry Release of Information form; $7 ea; money orders or cashier’s checks only)

Packets to be returned close to second interview. Although timing is everything as there can only be 90 days from time the packets are submitted to adoption approval. 

All medical (HIV, TB and drug test results) must be turned in as well.

We have signed up for another Educational Workshop on 4/12 from 6:30-9pm. This course addresses interracial and inter-country adoption. So we will be exhausted after three, 3 hr long, seminars in one week.

We were able to ask questions. First one was obviously time frame. What could we expect? She said the earliest we could get approved is by June… latest by August. We were commended on our quick turnaround on our formal application (go us! there are some things I don’t procrastinate on ;) And here is where it gets a little complicated. Bare with me as I try to sort it out. Biracial children are sort of few and far between (I was a little surprised by this). Only two were actually placed last year. And technically, there are two categories of biracial children: african-american/caucasian and then caucasian/asian and caucasian/latino. The children with latino or asian decent are included in the caucasian pool while the african-american children are in their own. More folks have issues with adopting any child with african-american blood. Will our wait time be shorter than average? We can’t really say at this point. We will fill out a more detailed form as to exactly what we are willing/not willing to accept (so not looking forward to that). But we know that we have to both agree to the same things… absolutely no coercion. 

So that was our meeting in a nutshell. Lots of info in only 50 minutes time. 

Expect the unexpected…

We are finding out more and more that treading through the adoption process you must learn to be flexible. Working with our two schedules and the agencies schedule can sometimes be challenging. Case in point, I receive a voicemail today (cell phone service is so spotty today) from our Agency letting us know that something may be interfering with our interview this afternoon. A baby had been born this week and the birth-mom had not been working with Bethany prior to the birth. So our case-worker had to be at the hospital for the discharge (since the social-worker was out on vacation). So unfortunately she is working under the hospitals schedule (and we all know how that goes) and couldn’t nail down a time. We decided to make things easier just by rescheduling. Who wants to work with a stressed case-worker anyhow right?! :) Man… this all seems so real… talking about births and hospital discharges… and the fact that somebody out there is getting the most precious gift today! :)