A Child For Us

Adoption 101

This is just a few things I compiled a few months ago to educate those who may be unfamiliar with the adoption process…

What exactly is domestic infant adoption?

This is the adoption of a newborn or very young child whose birthparent has made a difficult decision that she is unable to parent at that point. These parents love and wish that they could parent their children but feel that adoptive placement is the best decision for their children. The parents relinquish their rights voluntarily. The majority of birthparents who take part in domestic infant adoptions select and meet the prospective adoptive parents and want some level of openness in their adoption, which refers to the level of contact after the placement. However, it is the birthparents right to limit contact as well.

And don’t worry, just because there is openness does not increase the chance of the birthparent kidnapping the child after placement.

Understanding Loss in Adoption

Adoption is only made possible through loss; birthparents, adopted children and adoptive families often experience grief when adoption happens. To the average person, the adoption of a child is something to be celebrated. However, issues that arise during and after the adoption process can bring up feelings of guilt, shame, sadness and isolation for birthmothers, adopted kids and their adoptive parents.

Losses an Adopted Child Experience

The loss that has the biggest impact on an adopted child’s life is that he is not being raised by the mother who gave birth to him. Even adopted infants show signs of grief during their adjustment to their adoptive families. Regardless of the reasons for a child’s relinquishment, it is completely natural for an adoptee of any age to grieve the loss of his birthmother and his life before adoption.

Losses Experienced by Birth families

The most obvious loss for a birthmother is that she is no longer the legal parent of a child she gave birth to. With that loss, women may experience isolation from friends and family, often leading to depression.

Like adopted children, birthmothers lack a concrete focus for their grief because their child is alive and there is the possibility of a reunion someday. By not having a focus for their intense feelings, birthmothers may have unresolved grief, which affects future relationships.

Birthfathers and extended birth family also experience loss in adoption. Friends and family of those affected often underestimate the emotional turmoil of losing a biological child or grandchild to adoption.

Losses Experienced by Adoptive Parents

Although the adding of a long hoped for child to the family is a reason to celebrate, it can also bring up some feelings of grief. Adoptive parents may be grieving the loss of a child who is not genetically tied to them and in some cases the loss of the ideal child they were hoping to adopt.

5 Losses with Infertility

• Loss of control
• Loss of individual genetic continuity
• Loss of a jointly conceived child
• Loss of the physical experience of a pregnancy
• Loss of the joint emotional experience of conceiving, shared pregnancy, birth experiences, etc.

What makes Adoptive Parenthood Different From Biological Parenthood?

• Complete assessment and approval by agency
• Need to explain how the child came to be our child
• Need to explain to child his/her biological background
• Need to explain why birthparents made an adoption plan
• May need to help the child’s feelings of rejection
• Accept communication with and from birthparents during placement and into future
• Understand the subject of “searching” and “a right to know”

Positive Adoption Language

Unless it is necessary to indicate that the parents have adopted a child, it is politically correct to refer to the people raising the child as the parents and to not refer to them as adoptive parents. In addition, reference to a child’s adoption by labeling him the adopted child in any situation is NOT appropriate unless it is relevant to an issue being discussed.

Negative Terms / Preferred Terms:

Gave up her child for adoption / Placed her child for adoption

Real parent; natural parent / Birth parent, biological parent

Adoptive parent / Parent

His adopted child / His child

Illegitimate / Born to unmarried parents

To keep / To parent

Unwanted child / Child placed for adoption

Is adopted / Was adopted

Failed Adoption

A sad reality of adoption is that we may experience a failed adoption. In our case, a failed adoption can happen when the placing mother chooses to parent her baby.

Failed adoptions can be devastating. Even though we have no legal right to parent the child, the child has grown in our hearts. A failed adoption is a very real loss that needs to be grieved.

Helping the Baby Adjust

There is a small chance that a baby will come home directly from the hospital. Most babies spend some time in interim care (foster families that only work with Bethany Christian Services) while waiting for birth parents to relinquish. This could last just a few days or extend to several months.

Many babies feel the trauma of adjustment: new people, new surroundings, smells, unfamiliar food, and a foreign bed. Here are a few ways to help form a loving bond:

1. Many adoptive parents choose to “wear” the baby often to familiarize him/her with their scents and to promote contact.
2. They are the primary ones to feed him/her, as this is an important bonding time.
3. They are the baby’s primary provider of care, meeting all needs themselves, to build trust.
4. Because the baby may have experienced a different caregiver and environment after birth, they are also advised to use moderation in having visitors and company during baby’s early adjustment to their home.